Is it affecting your life or your relationship? Why is porn so hard
to resist? I've been there, done that, and come back to tell the tale.
I've discovered some answers that will help you deal with porn and it's
not about forcing yourself to stop. Understand your reasons for choosing
porn, regain freedom from the compulsion, find integrity and strength,
and reconnect to yourself and your loved ones.
"I can stop looking
at porn any time I want to; I stop almost every day. But I can't resist
the urge to start again. Am I addicted to porn?" Does this sound like
you? Some psychologists think porn can be addicting but many disagree.
It's not addictive like a drug can be - I've looked at porn in the past,
and I've spent years without porn with no withdrawals. Calling porn
addictive is an easy explanation that really explains nothing.
Still,
I have found porn hard to resist at times. It seemed strongest when I
was feeling anxious, lonely, or depressed. Why shouldn't I indulge in
some fantasy connection with a beautiful, willing woman with no demands
or responsibilities? What's the harm? But when it was over and I was
wiping up the results, I'd made no progress with whatever was bothering
me. I don't want to think about how much of my life has been wasted in
mindless unproductive activity watching porn. So why did I keep going
back to it?
As a teen, porn was an exciting way to discover a
forbidden topic. Later, when my first marriage was failing and my
business going down the tubes, I indulged in porn as a temporary escape.
During the lonely years after the divorce, I used porn as a balm for
loneliness and depression. All of that made some kind of sense, but
after Victoria moved in with me, I was still drawn to look at porn even
though it upset her. How could I make sense of that? Now I had a strong
reason to quit, but I was hooked on porn.
Understanding
In
trying to understand why I was hooked, I came across all the lame
reasons: "that's just the way men are," "men are more visually oriented
than women," and "it's a way to satisfy the male instinct to spread his
seed." And there were lots of excuses too: "I'm not hurting anyone," "it
has nothing to do with you, Sweetie," and "at least I'm not out chasing
other women."
Nothing seemed to make sense to me until I found
this simple explanation: porn is a strategy to meet some deep need
within me. The basic theory is that actions are motivated by attempts to
meet basic human needs. A simple example: a basic need is shelter; as a
caveman, I would find a cave; as a young professional, I would rent an
apartment. But we are not simple creatures; often meeting one need means
not meeting another. The caveman may have to sleep in the open to
follow his food source. The young professional may have to decide
between the nice apartment and sharing a house because of limited funds.
Essentially they both have to find new strategies to meet their need
for shelter.
Why is this relevant?
Watching porn is a
way of meeting some basic needs. After much self-examination, I believe
it is intimacy without fear that I am trying to find. Of course, it is
only a facsimile of intimacy when compared to true intimacy with a real
woman, but I'm only now beginning to learn what it might be like to have
a relationship without fear. Throughout most of my life I kept a
certain reserve, avoiding the risk of letting someone know the real me.
Sexual intimacy was one thing, and easy - even affection was easy. But
opening up? Showing a woman my deepest self? Not a chance. What if she
didn't like me? What if she rejected me? What if I wasn't good enough?
Getting to know a woman was always exciting at the start - maybe she was
the one who would accept me as I was. What I didn't realize was that
there wasn't a chance anyone could really accept me if I didn't ever
open up. Eventually, the excitement died and we drifted apart for
whatever reason was handy.
This cycle was destructive, and deeply
unsatisfying. I've always wanted someone I could feel safe with, with
whom I could let go and be me without fear of being rejected, but real
women weren't filling that need - through no fault of theirs. The
closest thing I found was porn. With porn there was no worry that she
would leave me or that I wasn't good enough. The images were always
ready when I needed them and willing to play whatever role I wanted.
Is porn enough?
Relationships
can be challenging. For many, the challenges are too great, the effort
required too much, the fear of being hurt overpowering. A real
relationship is too scary; porn may be the only chance for some kind of
intimacy. But some of us are torn; we crave intimacy with another but
fear the vulnerability. I was trying to have both but I had to choose...
and porn was not enough.
For most of my life I had two strategies
to meet my needs for intimacy and safety, and neither was working well.
Porn was safe, there was no vulnerability, but it was only a fake
intimacy. Relationships provided intimacy but were only partially
successful because I wasn't fully investing myself into them. Finally I
took the risk with my wife to be open and honest, and discover our needs
on both sides of this issue as well as other issues in our
relationship. It all began with revealing to her that I looked at porn,
and has evolved, through ups and downs, through crises and backsliding,
into the most important connection of my life. We kept coming back to
basic needs and reestablishing our connection there, and each time we
were both amazed at how strong our connection was becoming.
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